‘Becoming Mom~ From ordinary life to extraordinary…
Nine long months, of happy, and sometimes scary journey.
It’s a long wait for me, to find the kind of love that only mothers find. A love that is beyond any line, any imagination…
Wednesday… that evening I looked at the pregnancy kit my hubby had bought a week before and wondered, should I take the test? This time, will it be positive?
Heart fluttering with panic and hope, I prayed with my whole heart and finally done the test.
Eyes closed tight, I prayed again and again, please, let it be. This time let it be the two lines and not the single line I often see. Please God!
The double line on the home pregnancy test confirmed him to me… I felt my legs bounce. Every cell in my body tingled. Eyes so bright with joy. God, what a wonderful sensation!My heart started to widen, to love yet another… But this time, I loved more than I have ever loved. This little being who is still not a fetus, who is still an embryo, but I loved.
Please don’t take him away from me like before, I said to God. It had weakened me, the loss of my first child, my first taste of motherhood. Please let this baby stay!!!
And after that, my journey for nine months… it is like nothing else in this world.
Those nine months… Full of hope, dreams and occasional spurt of panic and fear. Full of laughter, and sometimes tears. Excitement and exhaustion. And at the end of that roller coaster ride, I become a MOM!
I would look at myself sometimes and think, ‘Will I be a great mom? Can I become someone my child love?’
Motherhood, the most pleasurable, yet scary thing in this world…
When I saw you inside my womb, tiny, shapeless, sexless — oh, lil prince, its love at first sight for me…
On July 6, Monday, 2015, I saw him for the first time, and my heart fluttered and flailed and somersaulted.
He is shapeless, sexless… He is just a moving button, tiny, very tiny. And only 45 days old.
And doctor said baby’s doing good. I jumped in delight.
Panic… yes, it was there as well. Oh… I wanted to stay detached.
I told myself not to fall too soon, too hard,
I told myself that I had gone through the heartbreak before,
But then… The decision is made unconsciously. No amount of resistance can pull back the burst of love.That first time I saw him, my heart sunk and there is no way to surface back. He has become a part of me… A half of my life, my soul…
On July 19, one warm evening he was photographed.
He is no more than a worm, a worm jingling in my belly. But then, my little worm have found a steady place in my heart beat.
At that moment, I was ready to die for him.
I can feel you within, a flutter of little butterfly. As gentle as the whisper of breeze… 💘
August. One night, I was bored. Feeling alone and tired and empty. Pregnancy hormones… Depression… And a fight with my hubby.
I was crying… I was angry…
And then, I felt the first movement. So small, so tiny, yet so exhilarating.
It is as if he felt me feeling sad, and wanted to say, ‘I am here, mommy! Don’t cry…’
And I felt my eyes filled with happy tears.
When night cloaks, & everything is quiet, I can hear you within. A reminder I’m not alone. The reminder of God’s blessing. 💎
And then there were all the coming nights I lay awake, for I could not sleep. So I would be awake, reading stories to him, singing lullabies and then talking to him. Every strong kick, every gentle butt of his head… wonderful, wonderful days!!!
Feeling his movement, proudly announcing his every kick and poke to my family, letting them feel him move. The greatest pleasures of the beginning phase of motherhood.
Oh, the glory details, but there were gory details as well…
Nine long months…
Food stuck halfway between the stomach and the chest,
Trouble with breathing and severely aching legs,
Vomiting everything that went inside, and then starving,
Craving for the oddest of food at the oddest of times, but having no stomach to eat it,
Back complaining constantly, terrible mood shifts,
Pains at odd times in every bones, and muscles
Hips hurting 24×7, and emotional pain along with it…
Pregnancy, the only time when we enjoy feeling so terrible…
But no… it all felt so good, even as I cried, because I knew I was facing it all for my baby.
Motherhood changed me. I, the one who complained for all the little aches bore the greater ones for my baby.
I ate all the veggies *eww*, drunk enough milk *Gah*, and walked long, long miles with aching legs and heaving breath *phew* for the baby.
And then the scary physical changes…
Gosh, I became a truck. For some pregnancy brings glow. For me it was pimples and black marks. And the scary lines marking the stomach…
Physically, I really, really became different.
As if it was not enough, I had rashes from constant progesterone injections I had to take after a severe bleeding. Then the seventh month of allergies. Black patches, all around. Gosh!!!
How can this be possible? Where is the damn glow? Why am I becoming an elephant?
But then the doctor’s assurance kept me sane. It will all go away once your baby is born. A little extra exercise and a little more care for the blemished skin, she said, and you will be back… Use olive oil now, to minimize the damage.
Shopoholic shows her head…
Oh, yes, I just loved shopping for my baby. Looking through all the cute dresses and shirts, wondering whether my baby would be a he or she, wondering how this would look on him/her. Arrested to bed, the online apps have become my solace, my time pass.
Flurry of online shopping for little dress, shoes and what not.
It is okay, but I went a little overboard and bought my unborn baby BOOKS (it shows, how I am a real bookworm). Boy, what was I thinking? Surely must be the fluctuating hormone, but more than anything I had bought, I felt really good about the books.
And then, the long awaited destination…
On one fine morning on 16th of February, 2016, when the sun was slowly painting the sky, he came to this world with a shrilly cry.
When I first heard him cry, it was the most beautiful music I have ever heard in my life. He has become the best part of my life.
When I first touched his little fingers, his silky skin, his rosy cheeks, I wondered how it is possible to love him more than I have loved before. But, I realized, it is possible to love more… More.
All the troubles I had gone through, all the discomforts, all the pains and the stings of injections, all the black marks and the bulging body… It is all worth it when he throws me a toothless smile.