A Letter to My Baby…’

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My Dearest baby,

Like vanishing rainbow during the rainy day, 
You came- coloured my life with smile,
But gone, before I can fully comprehend,
What it meant or what you mean…
Gone like a distant dream
Before I can fully enjoy the life inside me.
Missing you so much

I miss you so much. Though I hadn’t seen you, I loved you from the day I knew you were there inside me; no, even before that. It was a gut instinct that told me you were there even before I had tested and confirmed that you were there. It made me walk slower than before- God, I loved you like I have never loved anyone. It was that irresistible bond that connected us together, the feeling that you were inside me, living as a part of me. I felt whole when you were there and now I feel bare and exposed; vulnerable even.

I loved the feeling of having you inside me- you were a sweet burden, who filled my heart with overflowing love. I would feel a tug at night, which proved that I had You inside me. It was still early, but I felt you. I would always feel the raging hunger, but I loved it too, for it confirmed that I was eating- not just for me. The vomiting, the nausea, the giddiness- God, I loved every moment, though I sometime felt utterly drained. Now I lost it all and I can’t help but feel alienated. I missed the Me that was before. Now without You, I don’t feel the same anymore. I am feeling like my world is crumbling down, down, and down without no one to catch. My darling, I miss you terribly.

No one would hear my cries at night or the silent tears that would leak along my cheeks when I think of you, think of ‘the now empty feeling’ inside my stomach; no one would look through my fake smile, when I wear it at morning, like it was a mask to ward off people. I didn’t know who would see it was painful for me to nod my head with a small serene smile as they sympathize. They wouldn’t and I don’t care. It was that same routine, which keeps me somewhat sane. They think I am strong, but in reality I am a pathetic mess, but I would always show them otherwise. I am wallowing in misery, the tears drowning me, and I couldn’t bear- for a moment- that you were no longer inside me. I am trying to go on with my life, but its really so hard. I miss you.

Though I didn’t know you were a boy or girl, I had already planned a whole lot of things, but they wouldn’t come true, at least not so soon now. Whenever I saw a cute small dress, I thought it would be beautiful for you. I planned to paint your room a pretty purple- like the one during the quiet sunset- if you were a girl; and a carribean blue- like the deepest shade of calm ocean- if you were a boy. I had so many dreams about you, that would forever remain as a dream- because you weren’t there anymore. Baby- trust me when I said: I miss you and it feel like I am missing a part of me too.

They said I will get another baby soon, for I am still so young. Even then, how could I face your loss? You were my first, though gone within just a mere 70+ days- you were still there inside me for that those long months. How could I forget it even when I give birth to many children? I couldn’t and baby believe me: I will always miss you.

It’s hard to hear when some pity me. They said everything happens for a reason. Some said it will get better as time passes- don’t think, for a moment, I don’t know that. Because it is what I am telling to myself; trying to believe. But, I still miss you when there is nothing or no one to distract me from the pain. I feel the darkness welling inside me at night, and sometimes sleep seemed like a distant memory. Baby, my darling, I miss you. 

Whenever I close my eyes and try to imagine you- you blurs away like a distant illusion within my tear drops. I know it will get better, but I also know I will always miss your presence, like how one would miss the Sun during the day. You were no longer here, to torment me sweetly, yet you are here in my heart and soul, like a reminder of a long lost dream. Like the wet sand after a long night of pouring rain, the traces of you still remains in my heart; paining, yet pleasurable. I miss you through day and night; I miss you whenever I saw a little boy or girl and wonder, you would have been like them, if you were there; crying, smiling, chuckling- innocently. Oh sweetie, I miss you.

I am always good in expressing my pain through words than talk; now I don’t know who to write to, so I wrote this to you. As I write this, I can feel the burning in the back of my eyes. I refused to cry, but then it wasn’t my decision. I always end up crying, no matter how much I try. Baby, I miss you like how a fish would miss water. It is suffocating.

Apart from these pains and regrets, I am happy for you, my sweetheart. Maybe God had decided that you are so pure and innocent to live in this Earth, with its tentacles hanging around to arrest us inside its evil. Maybe He didn’t want to put you through the test of this life- fighting against inner devils and desires, failing God or falling into the pit of darkness.

Maybe God wanted to keep you pure, always- that is why He took you away from me as soon as He gave you to me. Maybe you would be granted Paradise without a trial, while we try hard and hard in this world to reach the heaven. Maybe you are alive in the otherworld- the world that is rich in everything and which is pure and holy; which has everything- a world of wonder; with a green, nourishing garden, with rivers of milk and honey underneath; with the thrones fit for a king; with everything in reaching distance- wearing a pure silk with a smile and will be enjoying. I don’t know how it works fully, really, but I knew that you aren’t non-existent or maybe I am just going insane. But I just want to say- even if you are not there, I will love you and miss you from the pit of my heart.

Maybe, one day I will meet you in heaven- if God wishes- and I would hug you close and get to say the word ‘I love you’ to you directly. It was just a dream, but If God wishes, it, maybe, will come true. Or I hope so, from the bottom of my heart… 

Ps. I love you and I miss you ♡

Till then, 

With love and tears, 

Your mom.

 

To-  

My love, ♥ 

You Passed away-  

within days, but 

Your memories always 

will be there 

In My Heart and Soul. 

© Ada

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