Itsy-Bitsy · Rants

I deserve to be happy…


I deserve to be happy…

I don’t know why I feel like this, this intense void at the bottom of my heart. I feel absolutely empty and there is a big black hole in my heart. My happiness, it is nowhere to be seen — and I need to be happy, more for my little one inside me, more now, than before.

And this hatred I feel, the pain, the heartbreak and the tears — I don’t know whether it is just a passing cloud, or whether it is here to say. I suddenly look at people with fear and mistrust. And it makes me unhappy and depressed and sad…

I have never been a people person. I love my solitary life, alone time — but then, I have always loved with such a loyalty and now I wanted to shut off from all these people I loved. I just want to be alone, away from all the people who have the power to destroy me, my happiness.

I am tired of being broken, time and again, tired of being used or being put down. I am tired of people who find positive in my negative, who just don’t understand my pain, and who ignores my suffering. I am tired of tears I’m wasting for them.

It’s starting to feel like they are all here when I am happy, and then they are like a mist, gone, out of reach, when I am suffering, when I am in pain.

It’s eating me — their words, their negligence. It’s eating me, this unhappiness.

And the only thing that keeps me sane and going is writing odd pieces of my life, filling it in words… The only thing that keeps me from withering away is writing, words and new world.

I deserve happiness, didn’t I??? I deserve a little bit of respect, but no… I will never get that enough.

I have learnt my lessons — I shouldn’t have depended on other people for happiness. A big mistake, a stupid one…

Now I know… Nothing is as important as my happiness. Nothing and no one.

If the price is losing them, losing all in the process of finding happiness, I will pay that huge price.

I deserve to be happy…
~~~

© Ada

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